I had scribbled the date on
the pink of my palm
and a week later I can still hear
your heavy breathing,
blowing nervousness into my chest
The tension builds up behind the tin-colored button
which snaps release as you,
tinted teenage arrogant,
invite yourself inside
Things end quickly thse days
Discarded and useless popcorn kernals
Falling from lips as quick as your kisses
Too fast, your tongue choked me
fingers deepening too hard in skin
Under twenty two hours and the date is
already gone
Today I learned that matter is neither created nor destroyed
and that your truly seen in the darkness
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
TBR's right... it should be "you're" instead of "your."
I don't know... you didn't set up the scene well enough, so this part sounds a little awkward. I think you should add a little bit more before this, to set the scene, and then leave this in as description.
Other than that, fine work as usual. Not my favorite, mind you, but what can we do?
"tinted teenage arrogant"
I may just be weird, but I don't like the word "teenage" except in the rarest of places. And this isn't one of them, for me.
Otherwise, a good poem. Not anywhere near your best, but good.
Shouldn't:
".... your truly seen in the darkness"
Be you're?
Anyway I liked it... I got this image of a restless boy who's too physical and it's annoying... It sounds not like rape, but unwanted contact in the first paragraph and then yeah...
I wouldn't generally say the best of your poems -- because I could understand most of it... but side from that it was pretty good. Nice one.