z

Young Writers Society



Science Dates and Philosophy

by xanthan gum


I had scribbled the date on
the pink of my palm
and a week later I can still hear
your heavy breathing,
blowing nervousness into my chest
The tension builds up behind the tin-colored button
which snaps release as you,
tinted teenage arrogant,
invite yourself inside

Things end quickly thse days
Discarded and useless popcorn kernals
Falling from lips as quick as your kisses
Too fast, your tongue choked me
fingers deepening too hard in skin
Under twenty two hours and the date is
already gone

Today I learned that matter is neither created nor destroyed
and that your truly seen in the darkness

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3821 Reviews

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Fri Apr 28, 2006 6:32 am
Snoink wrote a review...



TBR's right... it should be "you're" instead of "your."

blowing nervousness into my chest
The tension builds up behind the tin-colored button
which snaps release as you,
tinted teenage arrogant,
invite yourself inside


I don't know... you didn't set up the scene well enough, so this part sounds a little awkward. I think you should add a little bit more before this, to set the scene, and then leave this in as description.

Other than that, fine work as usual. Not my favorite, mind you, but what can we do? ;)




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91 Reviews

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Tue Apr 25, 2006 1:17 pm
ZanyPlebeian says...



"tinted teenage arrogant"

I may just be weird, but I don't like the word "teenage" except in the rarest of places. And this isn't one of them, for me.

Otherwise, a good poem. Not anywhere near your best, but good.




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Points: 890
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Tue Apr 25, 2006 11:24 am
Elizabeth wrote a review...



Shouldn't:
".... your truly seen in the darkness"
Be you're?

Anyway I liked it... I got this image of a restless boy who's too physical and it's annoying... It sounds not like rape, but unwanted contact in the first paragraph and then yeah...

I wouldn't generally say the best of your poems -- because I could understand most of it... but side from that it was pretty good. Nice one.





I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.
— Leo Tolstoy